FACT: Boys touch their ‘junk’.

Alright fine, that wasn’t something I needed to google to learn, but unless you have a boy child you may not actually realize how early this stuff starts.

And believe me THAT day was way more thrilling for him than “Look! I have toes!?!” day.

The second I start to pull at the little velcro tab on the side of his diaper, he’s got his hand vigorously pushing me out of the way and trying to get all up in there like he’s digging for a buried treasure.

I guess he is.

What also amazes me is the sheer elasticity of the male genitalia.

Either that or the boy is a superhero.

Anyone who can pull their testicles a foot and a half to the left in one hand and their penis a foot to the right in the other does deserve some sort of recognition… Or at least an ice pack.

Now try explaining what he’s doing to a 2 year old girl who wants to do it next.

“No Audrey that’s his”.

“But I want one! …Can I ask Santa?”

“Sure…?”

The instant his little package feels the crisp breath of fresh air he’s going for it, the game is whether or not I can pull off a complete diaper change without him actually making contact.

So far I’m 0 for 50.

I’ve even tried to fake him out by occupying him with toys, food and my winning personality…

It’s all futile.

I don’t actually have a problem with him going there. They are his bits and who am I to tell him what to do with them. All I’m asking is for a second or two to clean them first.

Ew.

*Note to Self
FACT: Boys are gross.

First day of school! First Day of school!

Okay… actually it’s about the seventh – but this one counts because it’s ALL day!

Which means…

Not only do I have TWO, yes two, kids in school (Audrey is in preschool now 2 days a week) I can actually sit down a write a post.

About time!

Yes, yes, I know I have been very neglectful.  But the summer makes it hard. I had the PNE to see, the beach to go to, the zoo, friends… days spent inside while it rained watching movies…

Oh! And that new thing called Roller Derby that has consumed my life at present – but in a good way.

Needless to say it has been tough.

BTW- I also did not approve of the “soda” in audrey’s hand… Like THAT kid needs more sugar.

*Note to Self
Did I mention “the son” also crawls now?

And he’s one of those babies… You know, the kind that if left alone for 30 seconds in the middle of a room will beeline to the only plug-in without a cover and try to lick it.

Yes… He’s just like his father…

You may have thought you knew sexy…

Until now.

Check out that orange wig and slimming orange running top.

HOT!

In my continuous search to find exciting “runs” there I was in all my glory, one half of the “Orange Juliette’s” ready to race in the Seattle edition of the Great Urban Race (otherwise known as GUR).

To start off, planning a run 2hrs away means an early morning. So I won’t mention how I left my house at 5am, to be prompt and ready for a 6am pick up that came at 7:30am… (And no, she doesn’t have three kids to ready either… She has the magical ability to make herself late all by herself.)

I also won’t tell you that while I waited at 6am in my orange spandex my partner had opted  (and forgot to mention) she was going to change when we got there.  Yes, Mr. Borderguard, I do realise I am wearing socks on my arms.

And yes, this is an awesome shade of orange…

Now we are even.

So we made it down to Seattle with ample time to wig, stretch and checkout the competition. As far as we could tell, the odds looked pretty good.  To be honest you really had no idea standing amongst a sea of people, 5% of which were costumed, as to who was going to run it and who planned on walking.

All I knew was  that I could defiantly out run the Wicked Witch of the East.

That cardboard house was gonna do nothing for her stride.

The objective of GUR is to solve 12 clues which in turn direct you to 12 locations throughout the city of Seattle. At each checkpoint you need to successfully complete a change and continue on until you have completed 11 of the 12. From there you run like hell back to the starting point.

There are two ways of getting to the checkpoints, either public transit (no taxis) or your feet. We opted to use our feet for the majority of the race.  All in all the clues we easy enough to solve (thank you google – a fully legal tool), mapping out the locations was straight forward and running around Seattle on the hottest day of the year… had its moments.

Thank god I wore spandex pants…

Stop #1 – Seattle Pinball Museum

Stop #2 – Challenge at “Dry Soda”

Stop #3 – Locate a specific “statue” in the city – Pioneer Square

Stop #4- Off to Ye Olde Curiosity Shop for a picture with Sylvia and Sylvester

Stop #5- Smelling spices at Market Spice at the Pike Place Market

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop #6- Creating a ‘bump’ at the hair salon

Stop #7- Marriage proposal at the jewellery shop.

Stop #8- Hopped a bus to a dance studio on Capitol Hill

Stop #9- Was fed a cupcake – *running and cupcake eating is about as awesome as toothpaste and orange juice.

Stop #10 – This was our “skip” so we didn’t stop…

It was at this moment when we came to our biggest decision. Do we take the bus out of Capitol Hill, or run our asses back into town.  We gave the bus 2 mins. It didn’t come, so we ran…and ran…and ran.

When we met up later with a team who waited for the bus (important to note that they came in well after us) they told us that  it had come 10 minutes late.

Yeah, for running.

Stop #11 – Delivered canned food to the donation truck randomly located on a street – Downtown Seattle lacks in Kwik-E-Marts…I had to haul two cans of beans for a VERY long time.

#12 -Special challenge – We were required to take a photo of us completing three of nine challenges in a tic-tac-toe box (three in a row) to get credit for solving a clue, these were our three, which we did throughout the race…

Make a conga line with three strangers

Do the YMCA with two strangers. (The kid on the right was NOT impressed we made him do this.)

Sit on the back of a strangers motorcycle. We had to flag that motorcyclist down from the middle of the street. Unlike some other people…He was a very good sport, not to mention how sexy I was, standing on the corner of the road in my wig and spandex.

We ran a total of 15km all over Seattle in 2hrs and 53 mins. Our official place was #70 out of 254.

All in all, good race.

*Note to Self
MacGyver Moment – Thank god for a maxi pad when your boobs start to leak and you forgot breast pads…just saying.

So I have a mole.

Okay I don’t actually have a mole mole…

Actually, that’s not true either. I do have a “mole,” well no… It’s a third nipple, but I call it a mole if someone is looking.

Unless, of course, that someone is Mark Walhberg, in that case I would volunteer the nipple as an icebreaker to illustrate how similar we actually are, and then we would buddies…I would also mention that Good Vibrations is a timeless song.

Because it is.

I digress.

What I have is an ani-mole.

(See what I did there… Wasn’t that clever.)

As if the raccoons were not awesome enough, a mole has decided to infiltrate my yard. In the past week, he has not only eaten an ENTIRE batch of my potatoes (mental note- next year cover the bottom of the base tire so the bastard cannot climb up) but he has successfully destroyed the lawn.

So far my only solution, aside from crouching beside a hole at 2am with a hammer, is (thank you Google) human urine.

Now there’s a sexy image.

Option 1- Assign each family member a hole for a communal pee party.

Or not.

Option 2 – The Hubby. His comes with a handle.

Gets what’s on his next hunnydo-list…

*Note to Self

No one will really understand “The Hill” unless they were there.

No one photo can capture it either.

You will never truly appreciate its steepness, the feel of the elevation, the hug of the crowd that surrounded you or experience the overwhelming combination of fear and exhaustion when you looked up and saw that “The Hill” proceeded to climb around the next corner…

And then the next…

And the next.

Who knew Blackcomb had so much…up? Next time I’ll take the chairlift.

So for the next 1.5kms out of the starting line, I went up.

And up…

And then a little more…up. Stopping only to yell at Vicki. (In that loving sort of, move bitch MOVE! Kind of way…)

Most of the time, my co-Warrior was marching steadily behind me, the other few times she was bent over, hands on both knees either cursing my name for getting her into this, or just gasping for air…

I chose to think she was doing the latter.

What came next were a series of up hills, down hills, fence jumps, blacked out tunnels, slip and slides, cargo nets, planks, ramps, mud and, of course, fire…

Oh, and also the occasional “VICCCKKKKIIIII” bellowed in my best baritone. And right on cue she would pop up, fist thrown high into the air, ready to continue. We were a team and I was not leaving a man (in her case woman) behind.

Ironically, I did leave something else.

Two steps into the final muddy mud pit, I was stuck.

With a finish line, and several strands of barbed wire ahead of me, I had no other option. As my shoes were enveloped  I came to the realization that all my hopes of finishing Warrior Dash with an awesome time were dashed as the toe chip timer disappeared into the muck.

But I was still a Warrior.

Shoeless or not, I was going to crawl through that mud pit and finish this thing.

And I did.

*Note to Self
That chip was also my free beer token…

Next stop: Great Urban Race – Seattle.

Keep in mind, this video seems to have edited out “The Hill”.

All this came after…

So there I was leaning down, with my teeth clenched, smiling, eyes wide looking at my middle daughter and saying firmly in an octave much lower than my usual voice:

“You said you wanted to play soccer, mommy paid for soccer, now kick the ball into the net. It’s your turn!”

Still smiling…I kicked the ball for her.

And then I ran after it.

And then I dribbled it.

My star soccer player watched…motionless.

It was not my most shining moment.

Either way somebody was going to get their monies worth out of that class, and apparently it was going to be me.

Needless to say, summer soccer wasn’t starting out well.

When the school year ends and you are accustomed  having the kids being out of the house for at least a few hours a week the dread of the upcoming holidays destroying your ‘me time’ can be daunting. Thank goodness for those parks and rec catalogues.

The second that magazine hits the mailbox I’m out there like a shot ready to announce the new summer activities.

This year, they both chose soccer.

Had I known it was going to be this painful, I may have reconsidered and spent my money on lattes.

Clearly, I would need them.

Week 1 was fine. The kids played and participated and though a little trepidatious at the start, by the end of class both had come out of their shells and, I think, enjoyed themselves.

By the third week after their basic skills were learned, stopping the ball, kicking the ball, and singing “Head and Shoulders” (I wonder if Beckham still does that…) they started to end each class with a mini game.

That’s when my problems started.

My oldest, who is in the later 4-5 year olds class, was a soccer pro up until game play. Five minutes into chasing the ball she pouted, stopped running, looked at me across the gym floor and announced “Mommy I’m tired of running.”

In response, I shot her a 30 mile stare and mouthed the word “RUN” followed by a loving smile in case any of the other mothers were looking. (I wasn’t going to check.)

My number 2, in her class, not only opted to get distracted by the goal net and use it as a climbing gym, but she also decided that she was NOT going to wear a pinnie and announced it to the rest of the group in one of those tones.

The coach let her go without it.

I sat on the gym floor and cringed.

I was becoming the equivalent of soccer stage mother.

“But they are so good at home” I thought to myself, and kept on smiling, I added in a healthy chuckle as shrugged my shoulders and waved ‘it’s okay’ to my little one.

It wasn’t.

I wanted to strangle her.

But I didn’t.

Cause I’m nice.

I just sat there and begged the clock to tick a little faster and get me out of there.

Hopefully next week, we will all perform better…

*Note to Self
Five minutes into a sunny day, both of them are outside kicking around a soccer ball…having fun.

I am restraining myself from going out there and helping.

So Audrey’s going through a “butts” phase.

Fortunately, it has nothing to do with her posterior; it’s just a reoccurring word that comes up in EVERY conversation.

“Mom… Olivia’s got butts!”

“Look at my butts!”

“You have a stinky butts!”

“I want cereal and butts!”

Apparently this is hilarious…

Now I don’t know about you, but I only have ONE butt, and perhaps more irritating than her constantly saying the words ‘butts’ is her inability to conjugate it correctly.

*Note to Self
At least the last time I checked she only had one butt…

I won’t apologize, it’s the summer and I have been busy…

Doing burpies…

On roller skates…

I have also been wearing extremely small clothing. (Thank God I’ve lost 35lbs… I would, by the way, like my boobs back!)

Because my days are not full enough, and for some added adventure, I decided to join roller derby. With that comes the added bonus that I can wear fishnets at night and a pole is not required.

I am now (according to Olivia) the coolest soccer mom around.

For a few blocks anyway.

So instead of posting all the latest family adventures I have been showing off bruises and trying on booty shorts.  I can’t apologize for that either, the last time I wore little shorts was ten years ago.

I wonder if I still have those somewhere…

They were electric blue…

But I digress. Today is Wednesday, so here is an awesome recipe for healthy waffles – the Hubby even said they were the best waffles he has ever eaten! Granted, I did make them while wearing fishnets…

WHOLE WHEAT WAFFLES

2 eggs – separated
1 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 tsp brown sugar
½ tsp cinnamon
1 tbs flax seed
1 3/4 cups milk
1/2 cup applesauce
1 tablespoon white sugar
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Separate the egg and beat the whites until fluffy.

Mix the remaining ingredients n a bowl and slowly fold in the egg white.

(Depending on the size of your waffle maker – mine is a little double) Pour ¼ cup of the batter into each waffle section, close lid.

Waffle is done when the steam stops

Makes roughly 7 large waffles (204 calories each) or 14 smaller waffles (52 calories each)

*Note to Self
Wanna see a bruise?

I know, I know, you have all been waiting for this with baited breath…

You have no idea how lucky you were. You got to stay at home and not be inflicted with two hours of other people’s children performing…badly.

The highlight this year, a little Koopa Troupa falling off a brick wall, and yes, that was a full on reference to The Super Mario Brothers.

*Note to Self
The adult (mom) hip hop class was also very…ganster…?

I never realised how low in calories pork really is (especially because of its evil friend bacon) but it is!

Here is my current pork tenderloin favourite – consider it fusion food because of the soy sauce.  And since you’re grilling anyway… why not add a pineapple?

PORK SOUVLAKI

1 lemon, juice and rind

1/4 cup olive oil

1/4 cup soy sauce

1 teaspoon dried oregano

3 cloves garlic, crushed

4 pounds pork tenderloin, cut into cubes

Remove the rind from 1 lemon and juice.

Place all ingredients in a Ziploc bag and let marinate at least 2 hours

Skewer the pork pieces on pre-soaked wooden skewers or a metal skewer and grill.

GRILLED PINEAPPLE

1 pineapple

2 tbsp honey

1 tsp olive oil

1 tbsp fresh lime juice

1 tsp ground cinnamon

Slice pineapple into wedges (you can also skewer it too, if you really wanted)

Mix the remaining ingredients in a bowl and brush pineapple with the marinade and grill about 2-3 minutes on its sides

*Note to Self
Now if only the sun would come out…